September 2, 2023


It's been about 2 years since I abandoned good and soft love to search for something that made more sense to my brain. 

I went back to my reckless friends where I fit in and tried to find a wild man who would excite me but also love me deeply and hold me safely in some strong embrace. I found a man who was still working on being a man and wasn't so much wild as he was wildly domestic. 

Then I found a woman who helped me find women and upon entering this new world I realized that what I knew about love was much less than half of what there is to know about it. I found that so far the only way I knew how to love was by continuing to sacrifice myself and keep trying to save people by inundating them with all the love my heart could possibly pump out. 

Finally I'm asking myself what can someone do for me that I can't do on my own. 

I'm figuring that the list can only be as tall or as slim as I let it be - and that tall and slim are descriptive words that ring cold and resonate with my general distaste towards romantic human connection. For eight months I've been reeling in the self destruction that manifested from letting someone have every bit of love filled blood that I had in my heart. 

What I know about love in this moment in time is that people take it most of the time but give it very rarely. 

And so when I ask myself what can another person give me that I can't give myself - love is not an answer. 

Now I'm starting to question if I may be just rotting in my own bitterness or if the idea of love is just a tricky fantasy that's making its way back into my head. 

Can I have love without it taking from me?

Can love from someone else give me something I can't obtain on my own?

Without it am I desiccating? 

Is human connection so essential to my being that it's the reason why I allowed myself to be burned over and over?

Am I owed love? Is there back pay? Is love indebted to me?

I think that I owe myself indulgences without guilt - because there is an abundance of love to be found without using other people to get it, and even then the love that is found in someone else, when right, has the potential to endlessly reproduce itself. 

They say energy cannot be be created or destroyed but how can it be explained the way that two people's outpouring of love is like logs on a fire that never run out?

Is it the seed of love inside of us that when tended to grows a tree and the tree only produces more seeds which then produces more trees?