The wind blows
The train moans
Birds make tiny chirps
Tiny air conditioning
when the breeze touches my arms
and goosebumps raise
on my legs
But I've been hot
after a walk
and hotter
when I poured black coffee.
It's Folgers
so I used some cream.
Bad coffee
but bad coffee is always
better
than no coffee.
Who killed the passionflower?
Pothos ripples
with the movement of the air.
The remains of a spiderweb
hold clumps of cat hair.
Cat now buried over there
The earth holding space
for all of the smells and gases
Liquids and bones and things in between.
Not a trace
besides the grave marker
I made.
I stood up after being crouched with a sharpie
over a small slab of concrete
and set the shovel aside
Felt the Xanax had kicked it.
I want to remember this
I want to remember this
I just knew I had to be able to sleep
so I could get to work tomorrow.
And I remember
And it's mostly the IV catheter in his little arm
that I remember
And I replay the doctor in my head
And the nurse and
wonder if I should have held him
one last time and
I never thought a cat's death would fuck me up
this much
And I was trying to figure out if I could take him out of the box to hold him one last time
but I didn't dare look
for fear that he might not look comfortable
And it was easier to put him in the ground
in that secret box and imagine
he was curled in there
safe and sound
as if in a womb.
I had to keep him safe.
So safe.